Firstly, this probably comes across as a strange subject to put in a fitness blog, but I have included this post because for me - the body composition is absolutely instrumental in achieving such a thing.
Lets make this clear from the start - I absolutely hate clothes and clothes shopping, I consider clothes to be a complete waste of money and I also don't consider myself worth spending money on. My head, anxiety and emotions makes clothes shopping a complete nightmare; just the people and crowds for a start, then significantly increased when I have to walk in a shop and look around for what I want. But this quickly progresses to far worse if I need to try anything on and stand in a cubicle with a huge mirror and forced to look at myself, at which point the voices - or the 'shitty committee' as they got christened in therapy, pelt me with foul language, criticism and insults. I haven't been clothes shopping since my sister's wedding last June, and generally if I have to go in a clothes shop once a year I consider it far too often.
Having lost over a stone since I started the body composition nearly 10 weeks ago now (and even before I started, most of my clothes were verging on falling off somewhat), my clothing situation is now rather an emergency. I really do need an entire new wardrobe of clothing, training clothes included, plus something for my cousin's wedding next month. A very close friend of mine Debbie suggested we went shopping (we went through therapy together, we both have the same bpd diagnosis and became extremely close throughout our mental health journey, and she likes clothes shopping almost as much as I do ;-) Debbie told me there is quite literally a 'barn' in newbury that has absolutely everything clothes-wise that you could possibly imagine, and all second hand so very cheap too. So on Friday (Day 67) off we went, and both very supportive and understanding of each others traits and struggles, especially when it comes to clothes or spending money - and I can't quite believe the success of the day. We had an absolutely fantastic time (afternoon on a week day certainly helped as it was almost empty) and I tried on and bought more clothes than I think I have in the last decade. Not only that, but for the first time ever... I tried on size 8 items of clothing that fit me, I thought I was going to have a heart attack in the changing room... and I only even tried it on because Debbie stopped me putting the hanger back on the rail when I saw a top I liked but realised it was size 8 and said no way in hell that was ever going to fit me. So for the sum of about £45, I bought a charles tyrwhitt black double cuff shirt for interviews, leather jacket (so short there's no chance to hide the stomach - normally my coats are famous for hiding as much as possible and prior to therapy - very rarely being taken off) three pairs of jeans (thanks to Debbie, I felt inspired to be slightly daring and include some shiny leathery ones) an evening dress potentially for the wedding next month and a rather girly satin vest top for wearing with the jeans. Debbie amusingly pointed out to me I hadn't done the best job of buying colours outside my black comfort zone :D but what can I say, we can hardly build Rome in a day can we ;-)
We both had such a good time that we agreed to make it a little once a month treat for us both, so my wardrobe is in danger of needing to be replaced too if we keep this up - it has just enough space for about 10 hangers after all. But in reflection I keep thinking about the difference the body composition has made to my life even at this stage; I can try on clothing sizes and styles I never imagined would be in my reality and they don't look like a whale is trying to squeeze in to a sock...
It honestly doesn't feel real even now, I half expect to try on something I've bought and all of a sudden it won't fit, my body will be bloated, the whale in a sock will be back and my head will pelt me with criticism and say such things as what the hell were you thinking buying that. But for now, I'm going to focus on my rather impressive achievement and also express a lot of love and thanks to Debbie for being the invaluable and fantastic person that she is... I can't quite believe I'm saying this but I feel thankful that something terrible like my mental illness can also be wonderful too; for bringing Debbie and me together.
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