So I discovered today that there really was some sort of mental barrier / fear towards the rowing machine specifically. I'd walked out yesterday and avoided the cardio, I was almost on the verge of doing the very same thing again today if I'm honest - I got as far as the door but managed to turn myself back around because I want to push myself especially hard in these final weeks.
Almost all the cardio kit was being used, so I had to approach someone to ask if they'd finished with the single available rower I'd seen them using (which they had) so I sat down and prepared myself / set up the custom 1000m intervals with 45 seconds rest between.
As I sat there a wave of emotion was going through me; anger, paranoia, fear - and suddenly all these voices from the days in which I used to row for a club started to pelt from all directions. I haven't been on an erg since I left the club, due to 'political' reasons - or more directly put; the women rowers were more interested in sniping and being unpleasant than rowing. Training with the men was fantastic and often what I did as an alternative, but of course this only fanned the political flames and sniping from the women.
Ironically - I'd only just been training Doctors today at the John Radcliffe Hospital about personality disorder. Amongst many things, I had been explaining to them the process of being triggered emotionally by something, and how I am now able to place myself outside the emotions so I can be reflective and have perspective on what's going on for me and why. So I had to put this in to practice when I felt myself being triggered by simply sitting on the rower, all the negativity from the other women, a few in particular who were surprisingly vindictive and critical and targeted me specifically - so it made sense all of a sudden why I walked out yesterday due to being too busy. Also why I was especially anticipating people in the gym to be negative and critical of me and think I'm terrible because I'd be doing my cardio on the rower. I really had to remind myself firmly just how different the environment is at priority 6 and the hugely supportive community I'm a part of. It doesn't bloody matter what my split or score or time or anything like that is - just get it done for myself and my own goals. I didn't make all 5 sets as I ran out of time, but 4 out of 5 is a huge improvement on walking out the gym. So here's another small psychological barrier I'm working on, hopefully it'll become easier and easier and I can be less avoidant of the rower. Part of me even enjoyed it slightly (never thought I'd say that...)
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| Finally - some all important relaxed kitty cosy time at home, celebrating the success of a challenging day :-) |
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