DAY 14 - PSYCHOLOGICAL BARRIER

I hit a completely new wall of challenge at body composition training this evening, and something that's never happened at Priority 6 for me before. After taking clothes off for the photos which I'd been panicking about the entire day - as is the normal for me (Coach OC didn't take measurements as my weigh in was exactly the same) at a slightly earlier than usual time, we were to go out and start working through day 2 of the phase 2 training programme. However the slightly earlier time also meant the gym was quite literally heaving with people.

I've been gradually getting used to training in a fairly busy gym by coming to classes and doing Olympic lifting on Saturday mornings and the body composition group training - but this was a new level for me and I felt the crack inside begin. I'd already had a quite challenging day and knew that my emotions were in a vulnerable state, so this I began to realise was possibly one challenge too far for one day. Normally I manage the emotions by focusing *very* hard on my programme and count the time in my head for 20 seconds rest, 90 seconds rest after the set before starting the next etc and counting and training helps me to filter out everything else. However this time, every area of the gym where I needed to go to use a piece of equipment was busy or already taken and each time I looked at starting somewhere else and checked what that needed me to use, someone was using that too. Every time I hit the blockade of I can't do that because someone else is using it, I felt the crack grow and grow until I knew I couldn't contain it and started to feel the panic. It's very hard to explain but a sense of 'can't get out' suddenly shot up as well as this feeling that everyone in the gym was crowding around and pushing against me - think worst rush hour on the London underground multiplied by 100 for example. In therapy terms, I'd now hit the top of the 'emotional thermometer' and was experiencing what's known as an 'affect storm' - something us BPD sufferers are very familiar with. One of the other body composition members realised and came outside with me when I needed some time away from all the people and noise and try to re-ground myself. On my initial introduction to the other body composition members, I'd acknowledged my mental illness so this would hopefully help people understand if ever needed for whatever reason, and after what this other member said to me outside about how my introduction made her feel and how really good it was that I was honest and it helps others to understand, I realised this was the right thing to do after all. (There is still a lot of uncertainty in how *normal people react and manage to being told you have a mental illness - as much as the stigma is being fought these days, it is still a very difficult obstacle.).
*A little in-joke from therapy, we amusingly refer to ourselves as "special" and everyone outside our crazy club we call "normals" ;-)


With some invaluable support I was able to eventually return inside, Coach OC was extremely supportive in helping me get going again and find that focus - and I was able to train (not quite finish all the sets due to running out of time - but training at all rather than the usual 'flight mode' of getting in the car and leaving was a huge achievement). So my emotions gave me a far more exhausting workout than anything Coach OC had down in my training programme - but thank god I made it through without running away. I'm trying to remind myself this is still progress. It really makes such a huge difference to be training with such a close knit team of people and have such an understanding Coach.

DAY 14 - Training notes

Absolutely drained and exhausted by the time I got home and in to bed, plus cat on top of course.